I was so angry and torn between making the turn and watching.  I settled on watching after I looked in my rear-view mirror at the cars that were lined up behind me; not one of those cars blew their horns for me to move on.  We were all in the same state of awareness.  I looked around and black people were stopped all around.  It was as if someone had said freeze and those walking and those driving all obeyed.  There was a thickness in the air of our united thoughts and feelings that we had a responsibility to make sure “our” boys were okay.  What stood out the loudest was this young black man, that looked to be in his ealy 20′s; he stood there with pain and concern written on his face.  Where ever he was going no longer matter.  He was going to stand there in strength sending a message of Black manhood to those boys and to those officers.  His silent stance was as loud as an African drum.

After searching a few of the boy, the cops who were very aware they were being watched, let the boys go.   I wonder if the boys would be able to let the experience go as easy.

That moment does not change my commitment to building a world around me that includes friendships with all-people.

Looking East

I have learned that everybody is not equipped for friendship. There are some people that will come into your life that are simply not your friend.  It will serve you well to be careful to know the difference.

A friend enjoys when you look good. A friend celebrates when accomplish things. A true friend will caution you when they see you making a mistake.  A friends will not bring you bad news with the intention of hurting you.  This is real simple. A friend makes you better. The goal of being in a friendship should be to enhance your life. Friends don’t make fun of your flaws, they airbrush you.

When my mother was living in Harlem with me, she wanted to go back to Virginia.  When she was in Georgia with my sister, she wanted to come back to Harlem to be with me.  When she was in Virginia close to my brother, she wanted Georgia.  I used to tease her and tell here she wanted to be anywhere but where she was.

I’ve recently be wondering if I’m much different.  I am constantly in need of change.  Seeing people doing the same thing for years scares me.   At one time I used to think it was a curse to never be satisfied.

There was a decision made to give me the last name Gray to hide the shame of having children from different fathers.  I deserved my father’s last name, despite how the world viewed it.  I knew I was different because my sister, who was the oldest, always treated me like an outsider.  I can’t remember us ever playing or laughing together or her treating me with the kindness that our brother or rather her brother enjoyed.  I believe in her mind I was the physical representation of her parent’s failed marriage.

The reality that I was not a Gray really hit home at eight years old when my mother suffered a mental breakdown. My sister and brother went to live with their paternal grandparents, the Gray’s.  I went to a foster home.

I remember the foster-mother being very nice but her children were mean.  I was in a strange place and my child-mind wanted and needed what was familiar.   I wanted my family, even my mean-sister.

Being in a home with strangers, I learned to accept what was given to me.  When the older children in the house would taunt and pushing me I responded to their mean behavior with silence.  It was during this time that I learned the safety of withdrawing into myself.  I learned to shut off my feelings and thoughts.  The silence was not something I could control; it was impossible for me to talk.  Even when I willed myself to talk the words would not come out.  It was as if my soul was keeping me locked within in place that I felt safe.  I watched and listened, and when the listening became boring I watched more.

My time in the foster home was no more than about three weeks.  I never went back to live with my mother or siblings but I was with family.

I had a happy childhood despite all of my experiences. I believe that God allowed me to have certain experiences to connect us to others.  That experiences and similar childhood experiences are what sparks my kindness and sensitivity to children.

Have a wonderful day!

God is awesome.  Courtney is doing so well in school (smiling hard)!!!

It was nice seeing you the other day Steph.  Anita, thank you for the words of encouragement.  Mary, thank you for the push.  Duane, transparency is what saves me and helps others.  Thank you for being a friend.  I know you wanted to protect me.

Love & happiness,

Tonia